Jesus is a friend

This post come after a wonderful sermon in church today, what I am going to post about always just comes to me so I wait for that perfect topic to enter my mind. Today in church the sermon was about how Jesus is your friend and what that means, more specifically to this post that he is there for us through death and grieving.

Growing up going to church and religion I have always learned that if you believe in God you will have eternal life. Now having gone through this experience and both questioning and growing in my faith this has a whole new meaning to me. The pastor today shared a story of his friend and co-worker who was going through breast cancer, he and his co-workers bonded together and did so many helpful things for her, but he explained it as that it was her who was teaching them within her death.  I know that Andy has taught me and many other people things through his death but sometimes you just need a reality check to get back to finding the rainbow after the storm.

When the pastor was talking about how Jesus is there to comfort us though death as a friend I felt some sort of relief. Mostly because Andy was heavily sedated and Jesus can connect with your spirit more than anyone else, I was comforted to know that Andy was not alone in there. We were all right beside him but Jesus was with Andy, he was there helping him understand, being the friend we all longed to be at that moment but couldn’t be. The pastor also talked about how his friend was not scared of death but was scared of missing her kids and her family and friends. She has been fighting for so long that death was no longer a fear but maybe a relief.  This is what I felt when Andy left us, he was tired of fighting so he was not afraid to go but was afraid of missing us and of us missing him. I feel that’s why he held on so long and fought so hard, he struggled so we could have time to say goodbye and let go and feel a little at ease with him leaving.

Andy also taught us many things though his journey to death and his journey to heaven. We were taught to be a little kinder to the ones around us, to live our days without regrets. I have taken on the challenge to be a better person and to continue to grow in my faith. But mostly how I look at things and what I am open to hearing. Before Andy passed away I would not have had as much connection with this sermon today and would have more than likely tuned it out, but instead I latched on and learned a great deal. Or my interpretation of songs, songs I was thought were love songs now are songs of goodbyes to loved ones who have passed.

My life more so now is a work in progress, but each day I wake up and choose to be a better sister, mom, daughter, grand-daughter, friend etc. Knowing more now today then yesterday that Jesus is the best friend I could have during this difficult time, he is beside me helping me get through the hard days and being able to enjoy the good ones. He is there to help me remember Andy everyday and open my eyes to the signs he leaves for me. 

                                        4 of the best friends in the world myself and my 3 siblings!

The Why's and The what If's

They why’s and the what if’s cause just about as much pain as the loss itself. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what if the doctors did something different he would still be here today. I play things over and over in my head of things that happened that I feel could have been done differently and if I maybe would have just spoke up at that time the outcome would be different. Or if there was more knowledge all around about AVM’s, maybe signs to look for or even more knowledge for the doctors.  I want to know if they would have acted differently if he would still be alive. I want to know if the doctors feel like they did everything right.  

I have been told that this knowledge is not going to make my pain any less or go away at all. It is hard to see that when your grieving the loss of someone so close. It’s hard to see when the loss was so unexpected and when the doctors gave us every reason why he should live and he didn’t.  I feel like each day I get a little close to realizing that even if the answers were possible to get it won’t help me. So the things I am starting to move onto now are, I pray that the doctors learned something from Andy. I pray that their un success fulness with Andy saves someone else's life.

That above reading was mostly about the what if’s, the why’s are also very hard to face. They why questions are mostly to God, why Andy? Why did you have to take such an amazing man, father, brother, son, friend etc. Why did he have to take a baby boy’s father away and cause him the pain of never knowing his daddy? Why did he have to take away our parents son and leave them feeling empty? It makes no sense; there are many other people in this world that weren’t half the person Andy was. But I find my answer in God also, that he only takes the best. Andy had lived such a wonderful life in just 24 years that he was on earth.

Even though everyday myself and my family hurt, we know he is doing good things in heaven and preparing a place for his loved ones who will join him. He is hanging out with his grandparents and doing all the things he loves, he is with each and every one of us now and helping us through our struggles. There are many things I do that I think what he think of this situation, how would he handle this if he knew his life was so short. 

A Loving Parent

There are not many times when I think of Andy that I don’t think of my parents. I think of how they have lost a son and how they are dealing with it. When you lose a child it’s like losing a part of yourself losing a part of your identity. Who are they now, how do they live life without their son, how can they go on. When you’re a parent you expect to outlive your children when you’re a sibling, friend or cousin you know one of you has to go first.  

This all brings me back to when we were in the hospital; my parents had to put their entire trust in the doctors’ hands that they were going to do what was best for Andy. I think of all the papers and consent forums they had to sign and not really “knowing” what they were signing. Yes, they would say this is for this test or that test or meds or whatever but we didn’t have any medical knowledge or awareness about AVM’s to question the doctors or even ask the question of why. But they put their trust and the safety of their son in the doctor’s hands. We all went through a whirlwind of emotions during the two weeks we were in the hospital, but I know that the biggest thing for my parents, they wanted was to take Andy’s place and could not. They wanted so badly for him to be the one holding their hands while they fought and he could be there for support for them.  There was also the feeling of guilt of why didn’t we know Andy had this, as a parent you feel you should know everything about your child and your always watching for signs that something may be wrong. But in this case there was no way they could have known.

The first day that we almost lost Andy my parents had to have some very hard conversations such as how long the doctors would work on Andy if he coded or if they should at all. They also had to make the decision that day for us to all give our blessing to Andy that it was ok if he wanted to go home to Heaven.  How in the world did they have that kind of strength to grasp those things, to be able to be rational? I believe that it was Andy that he was there in their minds telling them what to do. They also made the decision that they were going to put this entire situation in God’s hands they had come to terms that the situation was bigger than they had thought and they knew they could not do anything except pray, and be there for Andy. They day that Andy did go home to heaven was the hardest decision they had to make. When they resuscitated Andy the first time it had been 11 minutes, then about 5 minutes later it happened again. My parents had to ask us if we wanted Andy to keep fighting, if we wanted to keep watching him suffer or if we wanted him to go home to God. After we all decided Andy was trying to tell us something, that he was ready to go home my parents joined hands with each other (my parents are divorced to this was obviously not something that just happens) and went and told the doctors to stop resuscitation then we all joined Andy as we went home to Heaven. 

The hard decisions did not stop there; they then had to decide where Andy’s funeral would take place, so they could tell them where to transport Andy. Then we had the meeting with the funeral home to plan things.  Luckily my parents were blessed with two other children, myself and my brother Josh, to take charge in the planning so they did not have to try and find the strength to plan their son’s funeral.

There is also good memories I have of them in the hospital, seeing my dad read to Andy and talk to him with such kind words. My mom showing her motherly love and holding his hand and sleeping next to his bed. They shared many stories with the doctors and nurses so they would really know who Andy was. It made me so proud to have them as parents!

Today they are both working through their grief at their own paces and in their own way. I can tell they are different people, not necessarily bad or good just different. As I said earlier they have lost part of their identity, they are learning to re build their lives and find a happy place again. 

Left to Right- My Sister Abby, My Brother Andy,  My Dad Dave My Daughter Alexa, Myself, My Husband Travis, My Mom Sue, My Son Easton, and My Brother Josh.

Trying to plan the unplannable

A person can never truly prepare themselves for the unexpected, a medical issue, death, pregnancy anything really, but you just get through it and do the best you can. But not all situations are that easy; sometimes the people the event effects have children, jobs, commitments and other things that still go on while this unexpected thing is happening. Most of us will try and be level headed and work everything out and some of us become so overwhelmed and torn.  Well as you know my unexpected thing was my brother, Andy, going into the hospital.  

The day that Andy collapsed at work and I was made aware I didn’t know what to do, I mean he was a healthy 24 year old man. It was scary don’t get me wrong but I “knew” he would be ok. I had two sleeping kids and a husband who was working out of town, what did I need to do, and how did I need to do it. Well my mother in law came over so I could get on the road; this was against my husband’s advice. He did NOT want me driving, he knew how I got when I cried and knew it would not be safe for me to be on the road. I just told him I need to get there I will be fine, I am not crying, I just need to get there. I made the entire 4 hour trip with no tears because I knew if I started to cry I would have to pull over and that would delay me getting to my brother, I just rationalized it. When I arrived at the hospital my husband had started the trip home so he could be with our kids while I was gone, well by the time he reached Fargo we knew he needed to come to.  After he got to the hospital again, the rational side in me came out. Ok so the doctors think he is going to be here a while, he has surgery Monday, let’s go home tomorrow and see the kids and then come back Saturday and stay through Tuesday. 

So we made the trip home on Wednesday, every time I left the hospital I felt like I was leaving my brother alone even though there were many people there with him.  The two days that we were home we worked and tried to spend lots of time with our babies. It is hard to admit that I was so happy to get back on the road on Saturday, my worry level went from a 20 to a 10 just by being on my way there! At this point we already knew that Andy was not able to get surgery on Monday we would be coming back on Monday night instead of Tuesday. We had a wonderful time at the hospital being with Andy and other family that was there, Monday evening came all too fast. We got home late on Monday evening and it was good to get hugs from my babies! We went to bed around 10:00pm that night and then I awoke to my phone ringing at 11:30pm, it was a call from my dad saying that Andy was not doing well and they were going to put him on dialysis and a few other things were also happening. I asked if I needed to come and my dad said this, “give your kids and husband a big kiss, and I will call you in a half hour and let you know how things are going”. Those words were devastating, I went and kissed the kids and Travis and then waited for the next call, this time it was my mom saying meet me at Cori’s we need to go.  So I did just that and again made the drive to Sioux Falls after being home for only a few short hours. My husband decided to stay home and be with the kids and let me go scope out the situation, well after I got there he came right down.

 Andy was not doing well at this point, we did not know how much longer he had left his body was very tired and very sick. At this point I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. My parents made us all give our blessing to Andy that if he was too tired to keep fighting  that it was okay for him to go live with God, that he didn’t need to fight so hard for us, we would and let him know that we would take care of Brady. I told my mom that I didn’t want to and I wasn’t ready to do that and she simply replied “but your going to aren’t you”, well yes I guess I was going to do that. Over the next several hours we sat by Andy’s bed and prayed. Andy somehow snapped out of this dreadful time and started heading in the right direction again. Meanwhile pretty much our entire family was on their way to Sioux Falls to show love and support. 

I did not want to leave the hospital, I wanted to stay there until Andy could go home, but as the days went on Andy kept getting better and better so my husband and I made the hard decision to go home and see our kids. Again, as I left I had such an empty feeling, even though I was going home to see my kids, my everything, my heart was with Andy at the hospital. 

Again this trip home did not last long; we got home Saturday evening and spent time with the kids. As we were getting ready to head to Sunday school my mom called me she said “this is more of an informative call”. So she told me of a few more things going in with Andy, when I asked her if I needed to come she didn’t say much. So I talked with my brother and he told me “if I wasn’t here I would want to be”. Well that’s all I needed to hear so Travis and I talked about it and it didn’t seem to be anything major so he was going to stay home with the kids again. Well at this point it had been almost two weeks and I had hardly seen the kids and my daughter was having a hard time with me leaving, so we agreed to let he come with and hang out in the waiting room with my aunts. So back in the car we got and headed to the hospital, when we got there I had another major feeling of relief. Things seemed to be going well and I was there, that night I stayed up a good portion of the night by Andy’s side along with my other brother, Josh. The next morning the team of doctors had their rounds; they still seemed optimistic about Andy and were still setting goals for the future. But that soon all changed about 3pm that day as his oxygen level was low and they were having problems getting it to a stable level. They were trying everything but Andy soon told us all that now that everyone had came to see him and he had fought to the bitter end he was ready to go home, he was ready to look out for us from a new perspective, he was ready to be out Angel. 

So you see when you are going through a traumatic unexpected event such as this, you can never truly prepare you can never have a plan on what you are going to do or how you are going to handle it. You can’t be rational about things or worry about life outside of what you are dealing with. Of course you can try, just like I did, but most likely it will not go how you say or the doctors say. It’s up to two people, the person it happened to and God. So when things like this happen, pray and hard and as often as possible and be in constant conversation with God, or whoever your higher power is, even if it is hard for you. Also don’t ever think that the your loved one that is going through this can’t hear you because they can.

left to right- My brother Andy, my brother Josh and Myself.

The man he was and still is

First of all I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful support. The feedback I have gotten from this is heartwarming. 

It’s amazing how your life can go from being so busy you can barely handle it to you have nothing else to do but sit at the hospital. I have an extremely busy life, I have two children who are 4 years and 2 years old. I also work a full time job and I am involved in a bible study with a group of close friends and I am on a committee for a preschool where I live.  The kids alone keep me very busy between the needs of a 2 year old and a busy 4 year old who is in dance 9 months of the year and occasionally does gymnastics and swimming lessons. I also have a wonderful husband who need to be squeezed in there every once in a while!

Anyway enough about me there is a point to this post, well a few actually. Andy went into the hospital on Tuesday, October 8^th. That week would have been a busy one for me, however I dropped it all. There was no place in the world I would have rather been then at the hospital. I called the people who I had made commitments to that week and told them what happened, they were very understanding. As the two weeks I was at the hospital, except for a couple that I went home to see my kids, I looked at my filled planner, as the days and events that had filled it passed, life went on. Not only for me but everyone it effected, we just figured it out. 

Since these events took place it just blows my mind how someone can go from having so many things going on to absolutely nothing, which goes in to the second point. The people that you choose to surround yourself with make such a profound impact on your life during these sort of events. We had such amazing people who took action, we didn’t even have to worry about our kids. They had a great place to sleep, they got brought to daycare and back to preschool and other events. I didn’t have to worry where they were or what they were doing or eating or if they were getting proper care. For those of you with kids know how hard that can be. The people who took my kids would communicate with each other so I could focus on being with my brother. I have a wonderful support system between family, friends and daycare provider. This not only lasted while in the hospital but after Andy had passed away and still to this day. I have good friends that check in on me and a loving husband who has stuck through my anger and sadness.

The main reason I wanted to post about this is because I feel like Andy was one of these people. Andy would have been the person helping someone if their loved one was in the hospital; he would mow your lawn, or lend you money. He was the kind friend who cared and remembered to check in. Andy had one of the kindest hearts you could imagine, and his smile could light up a room.  Andy was also one of the best fathers his son, Brady (1 ½ years old), could ask for. He was absolutely in love with Brady, and although Brady was unexpected Andy was all in and ready to be the best daddy in the world. Andy took pride in everything he did both on a personal level and a professional level, which is why he made it so far at such a young age in both aspects. Andy was also an uncle to 1 niece and 2 nephews, with who he was, coined the “fun uncle”. Always giving the best and the loudest toys imaginable! But to me he was by little oldest brother. He and I were only 18 months apart, we have an older brother, Josh, who was my “protector” and Andy was the brother who would rough house me when we were younger and would get in trouble with me as the years went on. He was there for me when I got pregnant at a young age and for me to call when I was in a rage and all he would say is “Katie, you just need to settle down, life is too short for all of this”. He unknowingly knew how short life really was, it was 24 years short. To our brother Josh he was his best friend and to our little sister Abby (6 years old) he was just her cool big brother who she loved dearly.  He also has 2 step- sisters and 1 step- brother all much younger, but he always took the time to talk with them and made them feel important. 

 I wanted you all to know this so that when you think of Andy and his story that I previously posted you really know the type of man Andy was and will be remembered for.