A Loving Parent

There are not many times when I think of Andy that I don’t think of my parents. I think of how they have lost a son and how they are dealing with it. When you lose a child it’s like losing a part of yourself losing a part of your identity. Who are they now, how do they live life without their son, how can they go on. When you’re a parent you expect to outlive your children when you’re a sibling, friend or cousin you know one of you has to go first.  

This all brings me back to when we were in the hospital; my parents had to put their entire trust in the doctors’ hands that they were going to do what was best for Andy. I think of all the papers and consent forums they had to sign and not really “knowing” what they were signing. Yes, they would say this is for this test or that test or meds or whatever but we didn’t have any medical knowledge or awareness about AVM’s to question the doctors or even ask the question of why. But they put their trust and the safety of their son in the doctor’s hands. We all went through a whirlwind of emotions during the two weeks we were in the hospital, but I know that the biggest thing for my parents, they wanted was to take Andy’s place and could not. They wanted so badly for him to be the one holding their hands while they fought and he could be there for support for them.  There was also the feeling of guilt of why didn’t we know Andy had this, as a parent you feel you should know everything about your child and your always watching for signs that something may be wrong. But in this case there was no way they could have known.

The first day that we almost lost Andy my parents had to have some very hard conversations such as how long the doctors would work on Andy if he coded or if they should at all. They also had to make the decision that day for us to all give our blessing to Andy that it was ok if he wanted to go home to Heaven.  How in the world did they have that kind of strength to grasp those things, to be able to be rational? I believe that it was Andy that he was there in their minds telling them what to do. They also made the decision that they were going to put this entire situation in God’s hands they had come to terms that the situation was bigger than they had thought and they knew they could not do anything except pray, and be there for Andy. They day that Andy did go home to heaven was the hardest decision they had to make. When they resuscitated Andy the first time it had been 11 minutes, then about 5 minutes later it happened again. My parents had to ask us if we wanted Andy to keep fighting, if we wanted to keep watching him suffer or if we wanted him to go home to God. After we all decided Andy was trying to tell us something, that he was ready to go home my parents joined hands with each other (my parents are divorced to this was obviously not something that just happens) and went and told the doctors to stop resuscitation then we all joined Andy as we went home to Heaven. 

The hard decisions did not stop there; they then had to decide where Andy’s funeral would take place, so they could tell them where to transport Andy. Then we had the meeting with the funeral home to plan things.  Luckily my parents were blessed with two other children, myself and my brother Josh, to take charge in the planning so they did not have to try and find the strength to plan their son’s funeral.

There is also good memories I have of them in the hospital, seeing my dad read to Andy and talk to him with such kind words. My mom showing her motherly love and holding his hand and sleeping next to his bed. They shared many stories with the doctors and nurses so they would really know who Andy was. It made me so proud to have them as parents!

Today they are both working through their grief at their own paces and in their own way. I can tell they are different people, not necessarily bad or good just different. As I said earlier they have lost part of their identity, they are learning to re build their lives and find a happy place again. 

Left to Right- My Sister Abby, My Brother Andy,  My Dad Dave My Daughter Alexa, Myself, My Husband Travis, My Mom Sue, My Son Easton, and My Brother Josh.