Jesus is a friend

This post come after a wonderful sermon in church today, what I am going to post about always just comes to me so I wait for that perfect topic to enter my mind. Today in church the sermon was about how Jesus is your friend and what that means, more specifically to this post that he is there for us through death and grieving.

Growing up going to church and religion I have always learned that if you believe in God you will have eternal life. Now having gone through this experience and both questioning and growing in my faith this has a whole new meaning to me. The pastor today shared a story of his friend and co-worker who was going through breast cancer, he and his co-workers bonded together and did so many helpful things for her, but he explained it as that it was her who was teaching them within her death.  I know that Andy has taught me and many other people things through his death but sometimes you just need a reality check to get back to finding the rainbow after the storm.

When the pastor was talking about how Jesus is there to comfort us though death as a friend I felt some sort of relief. Mostly because Andy was heavily sedated and Jesus can connect with your spirit more than anyone else, I was comforted to know that Andy was not alone in there. We were all right beside him but Jesus was with Andy, he was there helping him understand, being the friend we all longed to be at that moment but couldn’t be. The pastor also talked about how his friend was not scared of death but was scared of missing her kids and her family and friends. She has been fighting for so long that death was no longer a fear but maybe a relief.  This is what I felt when Andy left us, he was tired of fighting so he was not afraid to go but was afraid of missing us and of us missing him. I feel that’s why he held on so long and fought so hard, he struggled so we could have time to say goodbye and let go and feel a little at ease with him leaving.

Andy also taught us many things though his journey to death and his journey to heaven. We were taught to be a little kinder to the ones around us, to live our days without regrets. I have taken on the challenge to be a better person and to continue to grow in my faith. But mostly how I look at things and what I am open to hearing. Before Andy passed away I would not have had as much connection with this sermon today and would have more than likely tuned it out, but instead I latched on and learned a great deal. Or my interpretation of songs, songs I was thought were love songs now are songs of goodbyes to loved ones who have passed.

My life more so now is a work in progress, but each day I wake up and choose to be a better sister, mom, daughter, grand-daughter, friend etc. Knowing more now today then yesterday that Jesus is the best friend I could have during this difficult time, he is beside me helping me get through the hard days and being able to enjoy the good ones. He is there to help me remember Andy everyday and open my eyes to the signs he leaves for me. 

                                        4 of the best friends in the world myself and my 3 siblings!

The Why's and The what If's

They why’s and the what if’s cause just about as much pain as the loss itself. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what if the doctors did something different he would still be here today. I play things over and over in my head of things that happened that I feel could have been done differently and if I maybe would have just spoke up at that time the outcome would be different. Or if there was more knowledge all around about AVM’s, maybe signs to look for or even more knowledge for the doctors.  I want to know if they would have acted differently if he would still be alive. I want to know if the doctors feel like they did everything right.  

I have been told that this knowledge is not going to make my pain any less or go away at all. It is hard to see that when your grieving the loss of someone so close. It’s hard to see when the loss was so unexpected and when the doctors gave us every reason why he should live and he didn’t.  I feel like each day I get a little close to realizing that even if the answers were possible to get it won’t help me. So the things I am starting to move onto now are, I pray that the doctors learned something from Andy. I pray that their un success fulness with Andy saves someone else's life.

That above reading was mostly about the what if’s, the why’s are also very hard to face. They why questions are mostly to God, why Andy? Why did you have to take such an amazing man, father, brother, son, friend etc. Why did he have to take a baby boy’s father away and cause him the pain of never knowing his daddy? Why did he have to take away our parents son and leave them feeling empty? It makes no sense; there are many other people in this world that weren’t half the person Andy was. But I find my answer in God also, that he only takes the best. Andy had lived such a wonderful life in just 24 years that he was on earth.

Even though everyday myself and my family hurt, we know he is doing good things in heaven and preparing a place for his loved ones who will join him. He is hanging out with his grandparents and doing all the things he loves, he is with each and every one of us now and helping us through our struggles. There are many things I do that I think what he think of this situation, how would he handle this if he knew his life was so short.